SUNDAY JOKES - 100

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. 

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat!"

NED: Why don't you like the official websites for any cities in France?
ED: Because - they're the epitome of e-villa.

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. 

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient!"

My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
What do you guys think?

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. 

Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older, he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

Little Johnny: “Having a farm is really hard work.”
Billy: “It’s an ant farm Johnny, all you have to do is supervise!”

A few years ago, when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lulu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom, I saw her making the bed.
She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course, this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.
So naturally I snuck up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!
Of course, I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.
The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately told her husband what had just happened - I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course, he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.

And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old!

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