THURSDAY JOKES - 97

 

"Robbie, in my apartment besides me and my wife, there are also my children and my mother-in-law and I don't have enough room! What should I do?"
Robbie: "Bring a goat in the house. Let him live with you."
The guy: "But Robbie, there is no place for me!"
Robbie: "Bring a goat in the house, I tell you!"
After a month the guy comes again... "Robbie, it became much worse, there is no place. With the goat in the apartment there is no place to move."
Robbie: "Now get rid of the goat!"
On the next day, the guy comes to Robbie full with happiness: "Thank you, thank you, Robbie. It is so good now, so much space!"

 

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it!

 

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, Ron said, "I'm here to feed the crocodiles in the pond!"

Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list!

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Ole and Lena are making love when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass!"

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done!

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Braun, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Braun, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. 

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress!"

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