SATURDAY JOKES - 112

 

Three old men were sitting around and talking. 

The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative that I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am!

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."
The friend said, "How flattering."
The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. 

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours!"

Instead of calling in sick, call in well. 

Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today!

 

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical centre and was able to have a clone made. 

The clone was like the pastor in every respect - except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much. 

The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. 

So, the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge. Unfortunately there was a police officer at the scene at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall!

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "You know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty-five degrees, no problem. I'm going to be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get!

It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty!

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me, father for I have sinned. I touched a man's private part.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 'Hail Mary' and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, father for I have sinned. I touched a man's private part."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 'Hail Mary' and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure, I don't care but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

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