SUNDAY JOKES - 113

 

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having made make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. 

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. 

The man sued ... and won!! 

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." 

After the man cashed his cheque, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and was sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms.

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. 

All he says is, "all lawyers are assholes." 

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offence to that!"

The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" 

He replies, "Yes, I am!"

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. 

The landlady answered the door.

The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”

"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Many years ago, the Manchester United players were in the dressing room getting ready for a soccer match. Just before the game, Roy Keane walks in, "Boss," he says, "There's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."

"Hey," says David Beckham. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

Why do your nose run and your feet smell?

A married couple was having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.

The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!!"

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