SUNDAY JOKES - 333

 

An angry wife to her husband on phone: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that, my love!”

Husband: “I’m in the pub just next to that shop!”

 

NED: I thought I saw a walrus on the beach.

ED: Nah, that was just a seal lying!

 

Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”
Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2010. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and make you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

Jon says, “Well, Doc, I couldn’t pick them up!”

 

I’m not a complete idiot…
Some parts are still missing!

 

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is very beautiful but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman!”

 

A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
“Hi mate. Listen, I don’t have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?”
The bartender scoffs. “No chance mate, we’re not here for that.”

The man pauses for a moment and then makes an offer. “What if I show you something that you’ve never seen before? If you’ve never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night.”

“Pfft,” the barman scoffs. “Yeah, alright. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart’s Die Zauberflöte.

The barman is stunned. “Well, I’ll be! You’ve got something there; I’ll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me…but I want the frog and the piano. How about RM 1,000 for them?”
“I couldn’t do that. The frog is my livelihood.”
“How about RM 2,000?”
“Deal.”
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. “Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I’ve spent all the money you gave me and I’m strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?”
The barman says, “No, we already went through this. We’re not a charity.”

“Ah, but what if I show you something you’ve never seen before?”

The barman is amused. “You came here last with a frog that plays a piano; I’ve seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?”
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
“That’s just a mouse! I’ve got enough mice to deal with, I don’t need another one!”
The mouse pipes up. “Just a mouse?! I’ve to let you know I’m quite well educated, sir!”
The barman jumps back. “The mouse…the mouse just spoke! It’s a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I’ve got to have the mouse as well! I will give you RM 3,000 for him!”

The man accepts the money and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.

“Listen mate, here’s your RM 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I’ve done.”

The barman scoffs. “Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal and I’ve bought the mouse off you fair and square. I’m keeping him!”

The man says, “I don’t care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn’t talk…the frog is a ventriloquist!”

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier was putting the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well but the cashier refused and said, “because I don’t believe you are over 21.”

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later!

 

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss about what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.

The argument always ends in a tie!

 

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.
“People,” she said, “I’ve just been informed that we’re going to have a fire sale.”
“A fire sale?” spoke up one agent. “But we sell insurance.”

“I said a fire sale and I meant it,” she replied hotly. “Anyone who doesn’t make a sale gets fired!”

 

Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool.

We got to go to the divorce court with them. It was like a game show.

My mom won the house and car. We’re all excited.

My dad got some luggage!

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