Politicians in heat

Don’t be fooled by their sudden outpouring of love. They’re just lusting for your vote.

COMMENT

The heat of election fever shares some characteristics with the heat of romantic infatuation.

It is easy to spot a politician in heat. He will display a mad crush on you even if he has never met you before. He will shower you with all kinds of presents—cash, ­smart phones, and even tyres for your car—just to show how smitten he is.

He will take the trouble to find out where you live—and of course where you will vote—and woo you as if nothing else matters in his life. Never mind that you have not seen him around in your kampung since you voted for him in 2008.

Yes, powerful politicians are now coming down from their ivory towers to breathe down your neck with their mushy lovey-dovey words of affection and care.

But remember Oscar Wilde’s warning about romance. “Deceiving others,” said the Victorian wit. “That is what the world calls a romance.”

You may hate your political lover boy’s guts, but the good news is that you can take everything he gives without returning his love. He will keep on loving you until the votes are counted. And that’s the bad news. You won’t see him again for another four or five years.

The art of political courtship comes naturally to seasoned politicians. But if current rumours turn out to be true, we will be seeing plenty of fresh faces in this election because BN feels that many seasoned Casanovas have hopelessly lost their romantic charms and therefore their winning ways.

We expect BN to hold a crash course for the new Don Juans. If we could peek at the lesson notes, we would probably find something like the following.

Walk through your crowd in the demeanour of an eagle gliding to the ground like a sparrow. Maintain a smile and look humble even if your arrogance is bursting to the seams.

Shake hands with as many people as possible even if their hands are dirty. Take notice of the children accompanying them. Talk to the child, making sure not to make him cry. Try to elicit a smile from him by making a silly face. If your face is already silly to begin with, try blinking your eyes or pulling your ears.

Beat drums, especially if your crowd is predominantly Chinese. After all, the duration of the Chinese New Year festival is up to anybody’s interpretation. And, oh, don’t forget to wear a costume that is traditional to the majority of your crowd.

Short memories
Always say the right things to your crowd. If you have to tell a lie, try to do it with a smile. Practise denying facts with an innocent but serious look. If you can pull off an argument with perverted logic, go ahead.  Most people have short memories anyway.

It is safe to assume that most of the voters in your constituency are stupid. Otherwise how do you explain BN’s perennial winning streak when most Malaysians hate our guts?

Spin the old records. If an old persuasive technique has always worked, do not be shy of using it again.

Do not show off your wealth by wearing expensive jewellery or driving in a big fancy car. Doing so may attract suspicion and allegations of corruption.

Your opponents may accuse you of driving a wedge through their coalition by sowing distrust between them. Always deny such allegations as it is difficult to prove anyway.

If you are unlucky enough to be the subject of some expose of some scandal, you can always throw in a red herring or generate a bigger issue to divert public attention. It has worked well in the past and should do so again.

Use all financial means to recruit manpower for your campaign. Send in your helpers and goons to distribute gifts and goodwill candies well before polling day as there are laws against vote buying. But don’t worry too much if somehow you need to break the law; there are many manipulative processes available to save you.

Perhaps first-time candidates should take advice from this famous quote from the American socialist Oscar Ameringer: “Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.”

Stanley Koh is a FMT columnist.