SATURDAY JOKES - 34

 

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours' pass, she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., her husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.
After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking after you hit it.

A screaming, yelling mob was tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well, we're not bloody chasing it!

 

A drunk person walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "Cause I'm not finished yet..."

 

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances, anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went '''' ROARRRR!''''"

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