TUESDAY JOKES - 48

 

After the eighty-three-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Puan Salmah, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud, "Ahmad, do we still have intercourse?" 
And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop...
Ahmad answered impatiently, "If you think that I told you once, Salmah, I have told you hundreds of times... What we have is... Blue Cross!"

My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

A pastor in Melbourne lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his local congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them that much."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't really scare them either."

Son: "Gee pop, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail and finishes up on the horse's neck!"
Dad: "That's easy... I did all that the first time I rode a horse."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighbourhood, trying to find a job. 
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man
The astonished man handed her two RM 100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Eh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'
'Oh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to New York and got on the subway. He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar front ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."
The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently,
"Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

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