TUESDAY JOKES - 67

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"

Barney: "No sir, I don't have any money, but I do have a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well, how much money can you raise on that sale? Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined 50 ringgit the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined 100 ringgit. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of 500 ringgit. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

Was your dad a baker?

Because you have a nice set of buns!

A fellow bought a new Ferrari and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The window was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair. As the needle jumped up to 100 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Ferrari," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 200.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day; this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for driving so fast that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Are you a pirate?

Because I have a lot of semen waiting for you!

Ditzy friend to another: "I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30 mph' so I drove 30 times around."
The other friend responded sympathetically, "You probably counted wrong."

A guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He had to wait to be admitted, while St. Peter sieved through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. St Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting a helpless girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of them torturing this poor girl.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron rod. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about a minute ago."

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