THURSDAY JOKES - 276

 

Padang Jerami, Gurun, Kedah, Malaysia.

“I’ll be 60 next year. And I’m not here to impress anyone. I’ve been the champion. I’ve been the villain. I’ve had gold around my waist and nothing in my soul. Now? I just want peace. Everything else is noise.”

I grew up where love was tough and fists were currency.

I didn’t learn kindness — I learned survival.

By 13, I was arrested 38 times.

By 20, I was the youngest heavyweight champion in history.

They called me “Iron Mike” — like I wasn’t supposed to bleed.

I had money, fame, mansions, tigers, private jets…

But I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe.

The world saw knockouts.

I saw ghosts.

At 40, I started asking better questions.

Not “how do I win?”

But “why was I always fighting in the first place?”

And the truth?

I wasn’t fighting the other guy.

I was fighting myself. My fear. My father’s silence. My mother’s pain. My own shame.

Now, at 60, I’m not chasing anything.

I grow mushrooms.

I hug my pigeons.

I walk barefoot on grass and cry sometimes for no reason at all.

I talk more about forgiveness than uppercuts.

I don’t need the belt. I don’t need the roar of a crowd.

I just want to eat good fruit, tell the truth, and die knowing I broke the cycle.

If you want to know what greatness is — it’s not dominance. It’s healing.

It’s walking away from the thing that used to destroy you — and choosing not to destroy others with it.

The scariest man in the world?

He became a gardener.

And maybe… that’s the real victory.

Everything is real, — Mike Tyson

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up, Ron said, “I’m here to feed the crocodiles in the pond!”

Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list!

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbour protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

Ole and Lena are making love when Ole says, “Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?”
Lena says, “No, I didn’t.”
Ole says, “And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?”
Lena says, “No, I didn’t. Gee, you’re smart.”
Ole says, “And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?”
“No,” says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
“How did you get so smart?”
Ole says, “Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?”
“Yes, I remember,” says Lena.
“Well, you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass!”

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done!

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Braun, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone and spoke into it. “Mr. President,” said Dr. Braun, grinning broadly, “after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars.”
He listened for a second and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, “But that’s impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes, Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
“I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress!”

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