TUESDAY JOKES - 89

 

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."
So, the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
"Why?" asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts!"

Prior to turning on the TV to watch a recorded soccer match, I said to my wife, “Don’t tell me the score!”
She replied, “ Don't worry, there wasn’t any!”

 

Question: Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time,

What is it?

Answer: Surname!

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I need you very badly!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?

A: Nobody nose!

A blonde is swimming in a river. 

A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" 

She says, "I'm washing my clothes." 

The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" 

The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.

Q: What do prisoner use to call each other?

A: Cell phones!

 

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headache...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. 

When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use a new pair of shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "10-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally, I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!" 

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