SUNDAY JOKES - 99

 

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette table in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. 

Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. 

Thinking maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

Worrying works! 

90% of the things I worry about never happen!

 

An old-time priest was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the priest called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse! "With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back - and fell off the other side. 

From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. 

The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It isn't so bad" the crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers - we had $100 when we broke in!"

A student comes to a young professor's room during office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this examination," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. 

I just can’t see myself working today!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

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