THURSDAY JOKES - 99

 

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you - you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

How do you make a blonde a brunette? 

Turn her upside down!

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went. When they got to the doctor's clinic, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed!"

Visiting a modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one is called a mirror."

 

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you!

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out."
"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said."
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don’t stand up in the car!"

Confucius say...
He who jumps out of airplane without parachute, is jumping to conclusion!

One day, a housewife is alone at home and the doorbell rings. She opens it and was greeted by guy who asked, "Hi, is Ahmad home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So, they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says, "You know Sarah, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred ringgit just to see one."
Sarah thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred ringgit! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred ringgit note on the table.
They sat there a while longer and guy then says, "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 ringgit if I could just see the both of them together."
Sarah amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So, she opens her robe and gives Kassim a nice long chance to have a good look.
A while later Ahmad arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Kassim came over."
Ahmad thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 ringgit he owes me?"

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