THURSDAY JOKES - 112

 

A monk in his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand - word for word - the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

"Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then. "Many hours passed. Finally, Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked.

"I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. It should be celibate!"

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool; nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,

Belinda xxx.

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's multi-million-dollar lottery!

 

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends, all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:

"Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others!

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly into the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". 

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. 

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Allleee ooop" into the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. 

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 

"Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?" 

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!" 

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor" and generally causing quite a stir. 

When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months!

"TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

 

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste and says, “Ketchup!”

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I a pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure, you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear and her parents are all polar bear."

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I a pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course, you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."

Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course, you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask, sweetie?" 

The baby polar bear replies, "Because I'm freaking freezing!"

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.

"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"

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