SATURDAY JOKES - 33

 

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. 

The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

 

Little Salmah was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Salmah?"
"My goldfish died," replied Salmah tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Salmah patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat.

This co-worker of mine, who I don't know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Lisa, I don't know if anyone's ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Marilyn Monroe. 

I didn't really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, was Marilyn Monroe hot?

 

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time around, I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the Christians in the town of Teluk Intan got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the town-people were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure am not," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."

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