SUNDAY JOKES - 34

 

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So, he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Comedies a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? 

This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do porno! 

The same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes!

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? What kind of sex is that? Was it good for them? 

Jeff: I don't remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?

I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; it's pointless. 

If you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: 

Ah, there it is. Just as I have always dreamt.

What's the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, while a cat only nine times.

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a Shopping Centre. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand-new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."

One night, a man on his way home stumbled upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wristwatch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk by looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. The man asked the drunk, "why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "the light is a lot better here."

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.
All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed, have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mister," she says, "have you ever been suckered?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

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