THURSDAY JOKES - 71

 

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.
The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.
Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!
Realising that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise an eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! 

Phew! Got away with that one!
After a moment, he then replied, "I think we certainly need a new cuckoo clock."
A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory!

During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition of Bach's "Sheep May Safely Graze" as the casket was carried out of the church. After the service, the minister complimented him on his performance.
"Oh, by the way," the minister asked, "Do you know what the deceased did for a living?"
"No idea," said the organist as he began packing up.
The minister smiled, "He was a butcher."

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? 

Nobody knows!

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there was the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

How does the moon cut its hair? 

Eclipse it!

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The local fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the local fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controllable areas.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a cheque for RM10,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're going to do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

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