TUESDAY JOKES - 28

 

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So, Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask. 
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?" 

Tequila is an excellent teacher...
Just last night it taught me to count...
One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton on the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.
The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."

Does anybody here know what to do when a bear attacks? A lot of people do think you're supposed to play dead, which is not what you're supposed to do. 

And the best thing about playing dead is - that's like a rumour that bears spread.

"Don't give up on your dreams."
"Really? You mean it?"
"Yeah, just keep sleeping."

Q: How did the bishop make holy water? 
A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.

Ahmad was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a goat. He stopped at a goat farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 40 kg goat.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the shed, bent over, and picked up a goat by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 40".
An astonished Ahmad said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a goat that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that goat for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the goat by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This goat here weighs about 40 kg".
Ahmad was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the goat. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother, in her weak tremulous voice, said, ''Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is normal; she has no other abnormal symptoms and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

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