TUESDAY JOKES - 98

 

For three straight years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at the same country Inn, once per year. During his last visit, he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he couldn't wait to go there again.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the Inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"

When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."

A man drives his date up to a lovers lane and parks. 

"I have to be honest with you," the woman says as the guy makes his move. "I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s fine with it. He agrees to pay her RM 100 and they go at it.
After they finish, the guy says,
"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and it's going to cost you RM 100 to get back to town!"

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel!

A Barisan politician and a Pakatan politician were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. 

The Pakatan politician gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business office for a job. He then took fifty ringgit out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Barisan politician was very impressed and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Pakatan politician's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty ringgit.
Now you understand the difference between the Barisan and the Pakatan parties!

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not get blown off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be blunt, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” 

“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

My wife and I went to the National Agricultural Exhibition and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask the bull if it was with the same cow every time".

The next thing I knew was that I was admitted to a hospital in a very critical condition!

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