FRIDAY JOKES - 123

 

One day, up in the frozen North Pole, a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question, dad?"
"Sure, son what is it?"
"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.
Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."
So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.
"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"
Dad smiles again and says, "Look son, you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."
Once again, Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face...
"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"
"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mum's a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"
Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm freaking freezing!"

 

What did the left eye say to the right eye? 

Between you and me, something smells!

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” 

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I'm not following you!

Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back-to-back. 

Luckily, I was the one facing the television!

What does the chicken say to get across a busy street?

Eggs-cuse me please!

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

 

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they bumped upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 85 km/hour. 

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I want to start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, she decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. 

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Larry's whore!"

 

Jimmy, an 80-year-old gentleman, moved to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am but may I sit here with you?"

The silver-haired Mary looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, have lost their spouses during the previous year and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great interest and anticipation, Mary replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Mary, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Mary grabbed at Jimmy's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Mary said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmy scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

There are three girls at a bar, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde.

They have a seat at the bar. The bartender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So, the redhead goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. "I think that I am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears!!!

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