SATURDAY JOKES - 125

 

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. 

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. 

Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. 

In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

 

Sex is like air. 

It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

 

No one is listening until you fart.

 

Always remember you're unique. 

Just like everyone else.

 

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. 

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink teh tarik all day.

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

 

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that you have explained about sex into this one little square?"



A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."



John is working at the lumber yard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the hospital.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
John says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2020. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
John says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick them up."



A group of kindergarten pupils were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always reminded them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my nana."
"No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

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