SUNDAY JOKES - 124

 

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pap, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. 

"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

I planted some birdseed. 

A bird came up. 

Now, I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. 

Then I took it to a potluck. 

I stood in line for some cake. 

They said, "Do you want a white cake or chocolate cake?" 

I said, "Yes"!

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. 

So, I looked closer. 

It was made of grass!

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. 

She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year!

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. 

But I only nibble on it. 

I make the holes bigger!

I bought a million lottery tickets. 

I won a dollar!

I rented a lottery ticket. 

I won a million dollars. 

But I had to give it back!

I got a chain letter by fax. 

It's very simple. 

You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list!

A man was out walking a dog and a woman stopped to admire the animal.

"What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't kneel!"

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."
The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."
So, the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream!"

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. 

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, 

"The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued!"

"Time separates the best of friends," said one woman to another. 
"How true," replied the other. "Twenty years ago, we were fifteen, now you're thirty-five and I'm twenty-nine!"

Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater really quick.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. 

I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month!"

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