SATURDAY JOKES - 148

 

Sunset view, Langkawi, Malaysia

Because of a dense fog, a steamboat had to stop at the mouth of the river. A passenger demanded to know the cause of the delay.
"Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied. "Fog's too thick."
"But I can see the stars overhead," the passenger said.

"Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the engines explode, we're not going that way!"

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After making love, she spent the next hour just rubbing his private part ... something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine!"

So, they ask me, would you like to answer your secret security password question? 

I think, oh yeah, I can surely answer a question posed by a slightly younger me!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and the man's girlfriend kissing in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That darned Pete!" the drunk chortled. "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening onshore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief-mate why.

"Well Sir, when we undressed you, we found that he had also shit in your pants!"

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your willy is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

The man asks, "W-w-what's the c-c-cure, d-d-doctor?"
The doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches."

The man thinks about it and is eager to cure his stuttering, agrees with the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.

Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"

The doctor responds stuttering, "N-n-no w-w-way!"

Which Chinese leader always finished his holiday purchases early? 

Deng Xiaoping.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."

The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems, your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."

Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"

The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick!"

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