TUESDAY JOKES - 146

 

Semporna, Sabah, Malaysia

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."
At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.
"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you!"

 

What did the jealous storm trooper say to the friend who stole his girlfriend and was now going to marry her?
"May divorce be with you!"

 

A priest, a politician and a nun decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.

As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry - and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.

The politician got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back and sat down to eat his lunch.

The priest at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?" "You should have brought all of our lunches!" scolded the nun. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the priest, walked back across the lake and sat down, handing the priest his afternoon meal.

The politician grins at the nun, nudges her and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"

The nun looks at the politician, raises an eyebrow and replies "What rocks?"

 

Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.

 

Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dog-leg with a large water hazard.

The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man stepped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and hit the ball within six inches of the hole. 

The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad!"

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends!

 

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It is a big shame they will never meet!

 

While the Pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limousine that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope's authority. So, the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were travelling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called into headquarters reporting a speeding limousine, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limousine, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked, "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"

The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way, chief. I don't know who this guy is, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!"

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