Three sons left home, went out
on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give
their elderly mother.
The first said:
"I built a big house for our mother."
The second said:
"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The
third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she
can't see very well. So, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire
Bible. It took the elders in the church around 12 years to teach him. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon
thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William,"
she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room but I
have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold,"
she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I
rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But
David," she said, "the chicken was very delicious!"
There
was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it.
The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a
genie appears.
The
genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you
two wishes."
The
man says "That's fine, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion
dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands
the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."
Next the man says,
"Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof
- the genie turned him into a box of chocolates!
An
angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband:
"Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond
necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time,
and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife,
with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that, my love!"
Husband:
"I'm in the pub just next to that shop!"
NED:
I thought I saw a walrus on the beach.
ED:
Nah, that was just a seal lying!
Jon's
working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw and accidentally
shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The
doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I
haven't got the fingers."
The
doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2010.
We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put
them back on and make you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon
says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick them up!"
I'm not a complete idiot...
Some parts are still
missing!
A
businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman
wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her
about it.
"This
is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is very beautiful but there is
a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's
the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr.
Klopman!"
A
man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen,
I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs.
"No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The
man pauses for a moment and then makes an offer. "What if I show you
something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks
are on the house for the night."
"Pfft,"
the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The
man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog and a tiny piano. He sets them
on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful
rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The
barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there; I'll give
you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the
piano. How about RM 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do
that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about RM
2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the
entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few
days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke,
I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any
chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says,
"No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ah,
but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The
barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano; I've
seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a
mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own
business.
"That's just a
mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up.
"Just a mouse?! I've to let you know I'm quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back.
"The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all
your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will
give you RM 3,000 for him!"
The
man accepts the money and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the
night goes on and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to
talk to the barman.
"Listen
mate, here's your RM 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The
barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal and I've bought the mouse
off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist!"
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