TUESDAY JOKES - 69

 

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the Gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be around 193 years old!"

 

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? 

You just have to listen varicosely!\

A parrot flies into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the parrot a drink.
The parrot complains: "Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!"
The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and the parrot is satisfied.
The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves.
After the parrot has left, a man sitting next to it says to the bartender: "Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!"
The bartender replies: "So! Anyone can forget the tiny umbrella sometimes!"

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you; this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down in the Lembu Asli Farm."
The other cow replied, "Ah, I am not worried, it won't affect us, buffaloes!"

Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! 

I don’t know what to do?"
Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."

A man moved to a mountain top to stay away from the hustle and be alone.
One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said it is extremely cold outside, so can it come in? 

The man shouted "NO! why don't you all understand that I want to be alone!" and then he kicked the snail down the mountain.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. 

All it was doing was gathering dust!

Hung Chow calls the office and says, "Hey, boss I will not come to work today, I am really sick. I have headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I cannot come to work."
The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I did what you suggested and I feel great now. I will be at work soon. You have a really nice house."

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