SUNDAY JOKES - 30

 

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!

Scientific research has become too consumer-driven. 

Entire disciplines have been compromised. 

Buyology is a good example.

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "you know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty-five degrees, no problem.
I'm going to be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

 

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

Why did the frog take a bus to work today?"

His car got toad away!

He starts out raw as grapes, and it is a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something, she would like to have dinner with.

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which this community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and, in your heart,, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

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