THURSDAY JOKES - 28

 

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch-tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch-tone phone now. If you have the wrong number, push 3 on your touch-tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't mean anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big-time phone system.

Our generation never got a break. When we were young, they taught us to respect our elders... 
Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"
The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in the flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behaviour modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 12 in his town has been at it.
Finally, he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding, they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So, I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your willy as the monks did?!"

 

THINGS TO PONDER: 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?”

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you fed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a mobile phone these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.

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