SUNDAY JOKES - 97

 

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that the picture is of you with your secretary!"

It had taken him several months but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog!"

This morning, I went to sign my dog up for welfare. 

At first, the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". 

So, I explained to her that my dog is a mix in colour, unemployed, lazy, cannot speak English and has no frigging clue who his daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. 

My dog will get his first cheque this Friday.
This is such a great country!

 

When single ladies are near the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats...
This phenomenon is known as many-paws!

 

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his examination. He has a willy the size of a little kid's tiny finger.
A nurse standing in the room sees his little willy and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "That is my point exactly!"

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