SATURDAY JOKES - 124

 

A Standard Six science teacher, Puan Salmah, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Liza stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Puan Salmah ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Liza's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Ahmad stood up, looked around nervously, and said "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Puan Salmah said, "Very good, Ahmad," then turned to Liza and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed!"

 

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. 

What a waste? 

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defence lawyer asked Halim, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Halim, "I definitely saw him take the goods."

The lawyer asks Halim again, "Halim, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Halim. "I saw him do it".

Then the lawyer asks Halim, "Halim, listen, you are 85 years old and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Halim says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?

Give her a bottle of shampoo which says 'lather, rinse, repeat'!

 

I went to see my doctor and he asked for a stool sample.

So, I decided to take a basic woodworking course!

Are people born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?

My cousin used to work for a mapping company.

The trouble with his job was that there was no latitude for error!

Two guys were walking in the woods one day and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to kill it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." 
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and the huge, enormous bear on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive but she decides not to mention this to him and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and made hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'

The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf!'

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Puan Fauzia, please.' 
'Speaking.' 
'Puan Fauzia, this is Doctor Kamal from Hospital Kuala Lumpur. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Encik Azmin arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good.' 
'What do you mean?' Puan Fauzia asks nervously. 
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.' 
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Puan Fauzia.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.' 
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' 

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!' 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course, I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10 am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had such a wonderful Mother's Day in my life!"

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