TUESDAY JOKES - 294

 

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to the Social Welfare Department looking to adopt a child but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So, the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with Mandarin, Tamil and computer skills.”

Next one though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon!”

 

A Johore Baru lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Sir, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested RM 5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of RM 15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

The art collector replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You have just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary!”

 

A multi-millionaire living in Penang decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Ramli Nor, the only aborigine living in his neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, “I have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million ringgit to anyone who’ll join him in the pool.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Ramli in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in chokeholds, biting its tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Ramli and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like a rage, Ramli strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.

An exhausted Ramli wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.

The millionaire said, “Well, Ramli, I reckon I owe you a million ringgit then.”

“Nah, boss, I don’t want it,” said Ramli.

So the millionaire said “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million ringgit?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” Ramli insisted.

The millionaire said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, or some stock options?”

Once again, Ramli said, “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Ramli, then what do you want?”

“I want the bastard who pushed me in!” said Ramli.

 

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?”

Ahmad: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

 

Four men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen to the conversation.

MAN: “Hello.”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me, Are you at the club.”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and I found this very beautiful leather coat. It’s only RM 5,000. Is it OK, if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead, if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Porche dealer and say the new 2020 models. I saw one I really like.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “RM 550,000.”

MAN: “OK but for that price, I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing ….. that house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking RM 5 million.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of RM 4 million. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra RM 1 million if it’s really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: ” OK, I will see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The Man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns around and asks “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

 

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes him cry, so I threw a coconut at his face!

 

“I hate to have to tell you this,” said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed on cheese and bologna sausage.”

“That’s terrible!” said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine …. and the cheese and bologna sausage diet …”

“What’s with the cheese and bologna sausage diet anyway? I’ve never had such a diet before.”

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor, “it’s just the only food that will fit under your door!”

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Inspire kids to preserve our heritage, Tengku Ampuan Pahang tells parents

Citing her parents’ effort to inculcate a love for culture in her, the former Raja Permaisuri Agong says elders can help to ignite a curiosity for such traditions and encourage young people’s participation in preservation efforts.

Tunku Azizah, the Tengku Ampuan of Pahang, says the palace has traditionally played a central role in preserving culture and heritage.

PETALING JAYA:

 The young hold the key to keeping culture and heritage alive, making it imperative that their parents and elders make every effort to impart their traditions to the next generation, the Tenku Ampuan of Pahang, Tunku Azizah said.

Tunku Azizah, who also served as the 16th Raja Permaisuri Agong until January 2024, pointed out that much of the Malaysian heritage now lives only in memory and in the hands of those well-versed in such traditions.

“We must not let it fade,” she said at the Borneo International Textile Festival held in Kuching on Monday.

She noted that the beauty of Sarawak’s culture is grounded in, and shares an intimacy with, nature.

“Your forests, rivers, and mountains are not backgrounds. They are teachers, (sources of) inspiration, storytellers,” she said in her keynote address at the opening of the festival.

She said the intimacy shared with nature has shaped Sarawakian society into one that is gentle, kind, community-centred and wise.

She added that this underscored the importance of protecting forests and rivers, given that “heritage cannot survive if the land that teaches it disappears”.

Tunku Azizah said that rather than just serving as garments, textiles are seen as sacred objects to individual local communities. “They are protectors of the soul, carriers of prayers, maps of ancestry, and symbols of cosmic order,” she said.

“Rather than just craft, these designs remind us that weaving is theology, philosophy and civilisation,” she added.

She pointed out that while few places can claim the “breathtaking diversity” of Borneo, it is the deep appreciation that each of the different communities — Malay, Dayak, Orang Ulu, Kadazan-Dusun, Murut, Melanau, Penan, Bajau, Iban, and Bidayuh — have for each other’s culture and heritage that has kept all of them together.

Tunku Azizah, who professes a love for heritage and culture, said efforts should be made to pass such traditions to the young, not through pressure but by inculcating a joy for preserving their heritage, igniting their curiosity, and encouraging their participation.

On the personal side, she said her love for heritage began at home, nurtured by her parents. “Today, I nurture it in my children.”

She said her daughter has inherited the same passion for heritage and culture. “My daughter’s decision to study textiles was not imposed on her. We encouraged it,” she added.

The Tengku Ampuan also pointed out that throughout history, it is the palace that has played a central role in preserving intricate craft such as songket, kelingkam, tekat, and tenunan.

“Queens kept these traditions alive. I am humbled to (be given this opportunity) to continue this lineage. Heritage is not my project. It is my calling,” she said.

She said she had been working with artisans, elders, museums, prisons, foundations, and international partners over the past 20 years to keep these traditions alive. “This has been the greatest joy of my life,” she added.

The Tenku Ampuan singled out the prison weaving programme as one of her most meaningful achievements.

“For 20 years, we trained inmates,” she said, adding that heritage has not only healed and transformed their lives but also restored their dignity.

“Many of our best weavers today come from behind prison walls,” she added. - FMT

Malays dare “opportunist MCA” to walk out of BN should UMNO continue to co-opt with DAP in GE16

 

SLEEP with thy enemies to maintain power or stay loyal to old flames to rekindle relationships of yore?

That seems to be the ultimatum presented when MCA passed a resolution at its general assembly over the weekend (Dec 7) that threatened the very existence of the long partnership that is Barisan Nasional (BN).

At the Third General Assembly of the 30th MCA Central Committee, MCA passed a resolution stating it would leave BN if any of the component parties in the 51-year-old collation decides to work with DAP in the next general election.

MCA president Datuk Seri Dr Wee Ka Siong argued such cooperation would effectively signal the end of the BN spirit.

Needless to say, this latest manoeuvre has generated plenty of comments from political enthusiasts on social media.

On the Facebook page of Malay language daily Utusan Malaysia, many commenters dared MCA to carry out its threat, feeling perhaps that MCA has overstated its importance in the current political landscape.

One commenter sneered at MCA’s opportunism, citing the recent wipe-out of DAP in Sabah state polls had emboldened the BN party to make such a move.

He further warned that the Sabah elections was not an accurate indicator of federal politics, arguing that it was a clear rejection of Peninsula parties rather than a rejection of DAP itself.

Editor’s Note: In a reaction, outspoken UMNO supreme council member Datuk Dr Puad Zarkashi has described the MCA resolution as merely a “dignified excuse” following the party’s losses in the Sabah general election.

MCA lost in Tanjong Kapor where its candidate Kevin Lee Sip Kim secured only 1,455 votes against Gabungan Rakyat Sabah (GRS) and in Karamunting where Datuk Chin Kim Hiung garnered 2,297 votes but lost to Warisan.

“When they saw that DAP also performed poorly in Sabah, MCA felt it had a chance to regain support from the Chinese community,” he told the New Straits Times. “So by leaving BN, MCA hopes to go ‘one-on-one’ against DAP in the 16th General Election (GE16).” 

Most welcome to leave

Another commenter viewed this resolution as simply a means to bargain for ministerial positions in the impending Cabinet shake-up.

Claiming it made little difference to the Malay community, another claimed that the Malays were being silently duped regardless of whether it was the MCA or DAP.

At the end of the day, it was merely political theatrics the swing of support from Chinese voters from MCA to DAP because they felt let down by the former and likewise the wipe-out of the latter in Sabah polls because the Chinese voted for MCA.

A cross section of the Utusan Malaysia readership also echoed the sentiment that it made little difference whether it was the MCA, DAP or Gerakan that represented the Chinese in BN.

In fact, a related report where MCA head honcho Wee double downed on the threat by claiming that MCA is ready to leave BN if the coalition continues to support policies that burden the people and weaken its position was also met with similar disdain.

One commenter pointedly asked what did the MCA (and MIC which have made similar threats to walk out from BN) bring to the equation?

The subject of ministerial portfolios was also mentioned here, hinting that Wee was unhappy that he was not being considered for a plump position.

By and large, the sentiment expressed from commenters in the Utusan Facebook posts indicate that its readership which is indicative of the Malay grassroots thinks that MCA has overplayed its hand.

Perhaps as suggested by one commenter, MCA should just hold its horses till GE16 whereby he believes that BN will contest the polls “solo”, ie sans DAP and the Pakatan Harapan (PH) alliance.

Will UMNO call the MCA’s bluff in this game of high stakes poker or does the latter think it can sway the all-important Chinese community vote? The Malaysian public awaits how this latest piece of political theatrics will unfold. –  Focus Malaysia

Terengganu government agrees to extend one-month remediation period

 

The Terengganu government has agreed to extend the remediation period by one month, until Jan 7, following positive developments in negotiations with Felda over state land developed as commercial plantations by Felda and FGV. — NSTP FILE PIC

KUALA LUMPUR: The Terengganu government has agreed to extend the remediation period by one month, until Jan 7, following positive developments in negotiations with Felda over state land developed as commercial plantations by Felda and FGV.

State Secretary Datuk Zulkifli Ali said that after the issuance of a violation notice under Section 425 of the National Land Code, the state government held discussions with Felda's top management to seek a comprehensive resolution to the long-standing issue.

"Given the positive progress achieved so far, the state government is confident that further negotiations will continue until both parties reach a mutually agreeable decision.

"During this extended remediation period, discussions will focus on finalising the terms and conditions of the agreement.

"The state government has also agreed to allow FGV to resume operations at all its plantations in Terengganu with immediate effect," he said in a statement yesterday.

Zulkifli added that the notice issued under Section 425 of the National Land Code will be withdrawn once a final agreement is signed.

Meanwhile, State Agriculture, Agro-based Industry, Food Security and Commodities Committee chairman Datuk Dr Azman Ibrahim said the state's firm stance in enforcing provisions under the National Land Code reopened the door for negotiations with Felda's top leadership, after more than 40 years of unresolved issues.

He said the state government had consistently sought to bring the matter to the negotiating table to secure a win-win solution.

"The state adopts an open approach in negotiations — making demands does not mean we must obtain everything; we compromise, but we do not surrender all," he said.

Azman added that certain matters may be considered during negotiations, while others are already governed by the Terengganu Land Rules, particularly those involving premiums, land tax and the settlement of four decades' worth of arrears. - NST