Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beaten. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'
Why do frogs have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft!
A man says to his neighbour, "I have an extraordinary dog. He brings me the newspaper every morning."
The neighbour responds by saying, "That’s nothing special. Lots of dogs do that."
The man says, "Sure, but I don’t have a subscription!"
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already!
A woman meets with her lover who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterward, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover ask, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you!"
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good-paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,
"What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth but was still very curious.
The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high-octane pump.
"What can I do for you?" asks the attendant. "Fill her up with a high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking at the car up and down.
"What kind of car is this?" he asks. "I have never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all has it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sunroof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8-speaker stereo, rack, and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package and best of all, an 8.8-liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
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