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Sunday, November 29, 2020

SUNDAY JOKES - 31

 

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and said, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account!"


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, "this is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer and said "the curlers are on me."


A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this examination," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." his voice softens. "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study very hard?"



The boys were arriving back at the fraternity house after the summer vacation.
"What have you been doing this summer?" one asks another.
"Working in my dad's office, and you?"
"Yeah, I've been loafing around and doing nothing too."


A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climb down from the barstool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and yells for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a barstool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is too drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cry, "Man! how many bars do you work at?"



A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

 

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again, the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the therapist gets to "once a year."
The therapist is very angry that his theory isn't working, and decides to ask the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "tonight's the night!"

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