TUESDAY JOKES - 30

 

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "RM 500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders an elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five RM 100 bills down on it, and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I have not had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

A man drives his date up to a remote lovers' lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you," the woman says as the guy makes his move. "I'm a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her RM 100 and they go at it.
After they finish, the guy says,
"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and it's going to cost you RM 150 to get back to town".

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

"Mom, the kids keep making fun of me, they keep laughing that my teeth are far too big."

"Oh Jamie, never mind them. And how many times do I have to ask you to try not to speak indoors, look, you've scratched the whole floor again."

My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't get to wear anything? I told her, Babe, I wear my sad face every day.

 

Did you hear about the Hindu yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted Novocain, the yogi said, "No. I can transcend dental medication."

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looks back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!
Back to the machine, she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never farted in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales, and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

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