SUNDAY JOKES - 126

 

There was this man who walked into a bar and he noticed there was a 12-inch pianist playing the piano. he walks up to the guy that owns the place and says that it is the most beautiful music I have ever heard. then the guy that owns the bar says go around to the side of the bar into the alley and there's a magic lamp. There you can wish for anything you like. So, the man walks around to the side of the building and goes into the alley, there he sees the magic lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and the genie says … I will grant you one wish. So, the man thinks about it for a moment and then says I want a million bucks, the sky got all cloudy and dark and it started raining a million ducks! So, the man runs into the bar for shelter and he walks up to the man who owns the bar and says … I just wished for a million bucks that stupid genie gave me a million ducks! Then the guy who owns the bar says well do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?

I’m tired of all this talk about beauty being only skin deep. 

That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

Sign in unwed mothers' home. 

“The place where one mistake leads to a mother!”

Our boss is against maternity benefits. 

He says if we have them every Tom, Dick, and Harry will get pregnant!

No matter how lovesick you are. 

Don’t take the first pill that comes along!

Some of these teenagers dress for prom. 

You would think Prom stands for Promiscuous!

There’s no such thing as safe sex. 

I mean if someone throws you a kiss nowadays you better duck!

President Trump was once walking out of the White House towards his limousine.

A possible assassin steps forward and aims for his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job shouts "Mickey Mouse."

This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him "Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout... Donald, duck!"

 

Kim Jong Un decided to send President Biden a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he is still alive.

Biden opened the letter which contains a single-line coded message:

370HSSV -  0773H

Biden was baffled, so he emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one in FBI could solve it, so it went to CIA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked the Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds the Ministry cabled back with this reply:

"Tell the President, he's holding the message upside down!"

 

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was when he is having fun.

Not the best advice I’d ever been given. 

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset.'

His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got a bike!

From what I understand about childbirth, it changes your 'downstairs'.

I like my downstairs the way it is, thank you very much.

I certainly don't need an extension!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jamal says to Ahmad behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Ahmad replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what is wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Jamal deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jamal began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, the urine samples from his wife, daughter and himself into the mixture for a good measure.

Jamal hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehabilitation.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

  

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claim that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examine the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet you! the lying bastard told you that I was speeding too!

 

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