Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what’s wrong.
“I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is going to kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do, pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.”
“Sounds like a great idea” says drunk.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says ” look for yourself, there’s ten bucks in my shirt pocket.”
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
“Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife.
“He did,” says the drunk.
“But he shits in my pants too!”
You’re never too old to learn something stupid!
BLONDE: “Excuse me, what time is it right now?”
WOMAN: “It’s 11:25 pm.”
BLONDE: (confused look on face) “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I’ve asked that question over thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer!”
A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!”
“What happened?,” asked the friend.
“My wife found out…”
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. “Hey girls,” says the brunette, “Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.” The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught!”
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants!
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” he calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So, the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.” I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So, the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So, I did.”
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