SATURDAY JOKES -333

 

Night fishing at a seaside near Kodiang, Kedah, Malaysia last night.

The father is telling his son stories to help him sleep. The only sound is the murmur of dad’s voice.
Two hours pass, and there’s silence in the room. The mother creeps to the door and whispers, “Is he asleep, dear?”

“Yes, Mommy,” says her son.

 

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!

 

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against Company policy. Please hang up and redial!”

 

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One says breathlessly, “I’ve never come this way before!”

To which the other replies, “It’s the cobblestones!”

 

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this crap!

 

One day an old lady walked into the doctor’s office and was shown into a room. When the doctor came in and asked what the problem was, she answered, “I have awful gas, but it doesn’t bother me. You see, it’s completely silent and doesn’t smell at all.”
The doctor, after examining her thoroughly, gave her some pills and told her to take one every day and come back in a week.

The lady returned, and when the doctor asked if her problem was any better, she replied, “Well I don’t know what you gave me, but now my gas smells terrible!”
The doctor replied, “Well, now that we’ve got your sinuses cleared up, let’s work on your hearing!”

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the Gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be around 193 years old!”

 

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely!

 

A parrot flies into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the parrot a drink.
The parrot complains: “Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!”
The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and the parrot is satisfied.
The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves.
After the parrot has left, a man sitting next to it says to the bartender: “Huh, I’ve never seen anything like that before!”

The bartender replies: “So! Anyone can forget the tiny umbrella sometimes!”

 

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, “I tell you; this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down in the Lembu Asli Farm.”

The other cow replied, “Ah, I am not worried, it won’t affect us, buffaloes!”

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