Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.
Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.
It was a card. On it was written, “Yes, we do clean under here, too!”
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, “I hope the reverend didn’t see us or recognize my pickup.”
The other replied indifferently, “What difference does it make. God knows we’re in here… and he’s the only one who counts.”
The first deacon countered, “But God won’t tell my wife!”
Q: Why can’t the Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: No attachments!
Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take your phone number on a credit card charge.
What this fails to address, however, is that if you are perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, you are not going to give out a correct phone number.
They make no effort to validate the phone number before you leave, so what they’re doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.
Now then… Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?
When asked as to why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that the thieves have been caught because they stupidly put down their home phone number, not the phone number of the person who “owned” the card!
What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill!”
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater – Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two million dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer!”
Two businessmen in Penang were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be-opened new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ‘ I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked “what are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left!”
“Madam, your husband must have absolute rest.”
“Well, Doctor, he won’t listen to me.”
“A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning!”
No matter how bad your last shot during your round of golf was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, the whole year and eventually, a lifetime!
Mr. Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Mr. Bear taking a dump.
Mr. Bear says, “Mr. Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”
Mr. Rabbit replies, “No Mr. Bear, I don’t. Why do you ask?”
So, Mr. Bear grabs Mr. Rabbit and wipes his ass on him!
One night there were three fugitives who escaped from jail. One was a blonde; one was a brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking, the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect to hide in.
When all three were inside, the red-head, quickly thinking, said they should all hide in old potatoes sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these’ The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises. ‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’ The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises. ‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ he says.
He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears….
‘POTATOES, POTATOES!!!’
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