SATURDAY JOKES - 133

 

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. 

The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood." 
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood." 
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma." 
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two types of blood and a blood light?"



Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: 

Due to increasing problems with the litter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order!

 

Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien - and then just try to beat it. Really fun and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

 

Girl: I love you!
Boy: Hmm... And tell me, what's up??



Sign on motorway garage: 

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. 

Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is!

 

Outside a secondhand shop: 

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. 

Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

 

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: 

This town hall is closed until the opening. 

It will remain closed after being opened. 

Open tomorrow!

 

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "You shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start!"

A woman is out looking for a pet and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you, madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute and so unusual. I'll take him," she says and a few minutes later, she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog and then remarks, "Fly eh?.. Ha! My ass!!!"

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