TUESDAY JOKES - 134

 

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. 

The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to this academy, who killed Jesus?" The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted." 

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted." 

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"

“Brutus was at a buffet. 

When he took a roll, Julius Caesar said, 'Eat two, Brute!'”

A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what colour shoes she had to go with her dress.

She replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver... to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, "So I guess you're going barefoot!"

 

Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Alabama, when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a lot of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case!

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, "I can't do this. I need water."

The man says, "I didn't know dogs can talk."

The horse says, "Me neither!"

 

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me!

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. 

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite good enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!"

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work; can you help me ?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.
"Condom???", I asked.
"Yes, John and Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John and Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):

"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"

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