SATURDAY JOKES - 64

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? 

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself today. 

Do you know what that means?" the boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? 

A glad-he-ate-her.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 ringgit."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 ringgit because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 ringgit."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and angry at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your willy is bigger than your brother's."

What's long and hard and full of semen? 

A submarine!

The only cow in a small Kedah town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Perlis for RM 4,000.
They brought the cow from Perlis and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Perlis?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Perlis?"
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Perlis."

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