THURSDAY JOKES - 134

 

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved their children very much but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on their names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children; the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the ageing fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out at sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week, they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!"

"Yes, it was but you should have seen the one that got away...."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep the crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"

 

Some friends wanted to go to a strip club. 

I said, no thanks, it's not for me; I don't really enjoy doing it. 

They said, well at this strip club you can touch the girls while they dance on you. And I said, then let's go do that!

My girlfriend treats me like God. 

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something!

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? 

Bison!



I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...

He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor, not a politician!”

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl, she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic," her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

 

Two guys are sitting at a bar.
"You know why I love this bar?" asks the first one.
"No," says the second guy. "Why do you love this bar?"

The first guy points at the window, which is six storeys above the ground. "It has a magic window," he says. "You jump out of that window and you can fly."

The second guy just shakes his head. "Shut up."
"No," says the first guy. "It really is a magic window. I'll prove it to you."

So, the first guy gets down from his barstool, runs at the window, jumps out of it and flies. He flies around the building twice, up and down and finally comes back in. He walks to his barstool and takes a sip of his drink. "See?" he says.

The second guy looks confused. He looks at his drink. "I must be drunk," he says.

"Still don't believe me?" asks the first guy. "I'll show you again." He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again. This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives. When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.

"Wow," says the second guy. "A magic window." He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window and promptly plummets to his death. The first guy starts laughing.

The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face. "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!!!

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