TUESDAY JOKES - 336

 

Tamparuli Suspension Bridge, Jalan Bontoi, Tamparuli, Sabah, Malaysia.

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack. “This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been by your computer?

A: There is cheese by the mouse!

I cannot take my eyes off you.

Unless, of course, you notice me.

Then I will quickly look away and act as though nothing happened!

She left the milkman at the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
“Who was it?” he asked.
“My husband,” she replied.
“I better get going,” he said. “Where was he?”

“Relax. He’s downtown playing poker with you!”

I am not a professional photographer, but I can picture us together!

A man who walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honour and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’ and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes, God said, “Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: “If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?”
“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”
“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”
“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.
“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow.
“My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!!!”

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times!”

If I had a star for every time my wife brightened my day, I would have had a galaxy in my hand by now!

After a nice dinner, the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.
One of the gents said to the other, “I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, “honey pie” and “sweet pea”, and “sugar” all the time.

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