Everything that you must not do at the elections

 

Winter is coming. By winter I mean a period of misery when the sun doesn’t shine and people huddle together for survival; when everything is grey and sad, the sky is cloudy and dull and it’s wet all the time.

But we don’t have winters here, just seasons of heavy rain followed by seasons of heavier rain. No blizzards, just the monsoon deluge, that’s becoming more dangerous to humans and properties.

The part about being more dangerous to humans and properties sounds like our politicians doesn’t it? If people had known climate change would also produce more dangerous politicians, they’d have taken it more seriously.

Last week we had the national budget. National budgets lately are mostly bad news, full of unearned goodies, jackpots to the favoured classes and billions to the ever increasing number of snouts waiting at the troughs.

With national revenues down and costs up, the inevitable budget deficit must be financed by even more borrowings, which someday have to be repaid by our children, with interest.

When politicians are generously apportioning billions to favoured members of the Keluarga Malaysia, I can almost see the smirks on their faces. It’s not real money, it’s just numbers thrown around to make people feel good.

But soon enough it does become real money. More and more of it is used to prop up an inefficient economy and unsustainable subsidies to drag the rakyat into even deeper dependency on their political masters.

The comical drama before the dissolution of Parliament is finally over. Various political “clusters” tried to outdo each other by offering huge lies. Clusters – ah, such an apt word, one that reminds me of boils and sores and other horrible skin diseases.

The impending general election is a rerun of a bad movie, with the same old (or older) and greedy (or greedier) grifters starring in it, politicians well past their expiry dates and stinking to high heaven.

But it gets boring, bitching about politicians. We’ve been doing it for years, and look at where it got us. They get more dumb and vain, more corrupt and vicious, while we get older, sadder and angrier.

So, what are my plans for this election?

I’ll drive back to Penang to vote. I left the state long ago, but never changed my constituency, more out of misplaced romanticism and loyalty than of anything rational. It’ll be nice to be back, and food there is always good.

I’ve voted for all the culprits at one point or another over the years, and I plan to vote for the least evil of them this time, as always.

Some people are loyal to political parties and no amount of persuasion or evidence can change their mind. Though where persuasions and evidence fail, bribes sometimes work! Not I – I don’t belong to any party, especially one that will accept me as a member.

How to avoid wasting your vote

We should change politicians for the same reason we change diapers – they start to stink after a while. They all start out fresh and sweet-smelling, some of them anyway, but they never stay that way for very long.

We shouldn’t listen to any political appeal to race or religion from bigots or charlatans, or at least exploiters of our fears who’re in politics because they couldn’t earn an honest living elsewhere.

Don’t vote for anybody who probably can’t get a job as an admin manager at your condo building management office. Unfortunately, many among our current leaders are like that, so avoiding them can be difficult.

Don’t vote for anybody over 50. Old farts like me should just have roti canai at the local mamaks, and not pretend to know how to solve complex national and international problems.

Don’t vote for those who’ve been in politics for too long. We’ve this ridiculous situation where somebody still calls himself a “youth” when he’s old enough to be a grandfather. Cancel these “youths”.

Vote for women with the exception of some of the women politicians we’ve seen lately: poor ladies who have to share one brain cell.

Don’t vote for those who’ve become rich through politics in ways that can’t be explained by intelligence or hard work. This of course thins the crowd considerably.

Don’t vote for anybody who has parents (I guess grandparents are OK) who are or were active in politics. Cancel dynasties too.

When politicians offer you cash, take it but ask them to affirm the money is halal. God has not granted any exemptions to the sinfulness of corruption, not even to the religious political parties, so, caveat emptor.

Don’t vote for anybody who runs in both federal and state seats. There’s no way you can do a good job representing two seats at the same time, even if you earn two salaries.

Don’t vote for fat cats who have cushy jobs at GLCs. Most likely they are incompetent and also vicious and greedy.

Don’t vote for anybody who has switched political parties recently, especially since the last elections.

Vote for me and my Semua Saya Sapu, or 3S, party though. However, the Registrar of Societies hasn’t approved its registration. Probably because I haven’t submitted any, but isn’t such an endearing honesty a nice change from the usual venalities?

I’m clearly the most honest politician out there. I pledge to sapu, or sweep, everything that comes my way, whether positions, political donations, businesses, contracts or overseas trips. I’ll be the rare honest politician who does exactly as he promised while campaigning.

(I may cheat though, and actually do good things for society, but if confronted with evidence, I’ll totally deny them and will even take an oath to affirm that I remain true to my sapu principles).

Or don’t vote for me. I don’t care. Roti canai in the morning at a mamak is always nice. - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.