SATURDAY JOKES - 130

 

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So, the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait them!"

 

Welles and Link were lost in the desert and hadn't eaten in weeks. 

Suddenly they stumbled on a dead coyote covered with maggots.
Welles, at the point of starvation, couldn't control himself. 

He threw himself on the rotting animal and began eating it. 

Ten minutes later, he threw up all over the place
At that moment, Link began eating what his friend had just vomited. 

He stopped for a moment and said, "I knew if I waited long enough, I'd have a hot meal!"

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. 

She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Four!"
His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter!"

Son: Dad, you are my hero.

Dad: Really?

Son: Yes. Can you give me an autograph with your eyes closed?
Dad: Well, yes, of course. 

Son: That's great! Then here, close your eyes and sign my report card!

 

A couple returns from their honeymoon and it is obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. 
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend, "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer, I drink I feel ashamed. 

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. 

If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. 

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver!"

 

I tried to type on my phone, “I’m a functional adult.”

My phone changed it to a “fictional adult.”

I left it as is, as I feel that’s more accurate!

 

A soldier was stationed abroad and he received a letter from his girlfriend back home. 

It read: "Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. 

The distance between us is just too great. 

I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm very sorry. 

Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim."

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. 
There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: "Dear Kim, I'm so sorry but I can't remember who you are. 

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave."

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