SUNDAY JOKES - 129

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

“What is a florist's favourite vegetable? 

A cauliflower!”

 

After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, Sir, stock or pawn?"

 

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? 

That must have been some weird sales meeting over in France. 

Some French guys sitting there, saying, how dumb do I think the Americans are? 

I bet you we could sell those idiots bottled water!

  

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? 

Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with a nice English girl and they're STILL talking about it!"

 

My biodata says that I have a corner office with a view of the entire city, drive a RM500,000 vehicle and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the game and Dad can't find the tickets.

Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."

Bobby: "No problem, Dad."

Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.

Bobby: "Yep, they were on the kitchen table where you left them!"

 

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. 

Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild party goers. 

He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. 

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!" 
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a cigarette when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a cigarette, come up and have some."
So, the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink.
Well, the lizard is so tipsy that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a cigarette with the monkey and got too tipsy and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's got to check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and smoking the cigarette.
He looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "wow dude ... how much water did you drink?"

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