THURSDAY JOKES - 129

 

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty road across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "Thank God, we're holding our own,  somehow!".

 

Is your name WiFi? 

Because I'm really feeling a connection!

 

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Shafee, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Shafee replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question!"

 

If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you!

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"

Are you a camera? 

Because every time I look at you, I smile!

 

When a penguin finds a mate, they stay together for the rest of their life. 

Will you be my penguin?

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.
He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

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