SUNDAY JOKES - 341

 

Deepavali festivity

What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
You would miss most of the film!

 

A blonde has sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”

The blonde says, “That’s sweet, doc but I came here to get medical help!”

 

Two lunatics are in the recreation room of an asylum. One is playing solitaire and the other is watching. Suddenly, the watcher says, “Hey! You just cheated yourself!”

“Ssh!” The other whispers, “Don’t tell anybody but I’ve been cheating myself at solitaire for years.”

The first nut whispers back, “But, don’t you ever catch yourself?”

“Nope”, the solitaire player says proudly, “I’m way too clever!”

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to intrude on your private grief but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband!”

 

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at Zoo Negara and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything but he can’t get them back in their cages. Finally, he says, “Quick, call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why??”
“We need someone who speaks their language!”

 

For his wife’s birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
“You are not getting older; you are getting better.”
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.”
It wasn’t until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
“YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP; YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM!”

A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack!”

 

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

She will let it go!

 

Why did the ball leave the party early?
He was on a roll!

 

Guy walks into a bar and says, “Quick, give me three shots of your finest whiskey!”
The bartender pours the shots and the man downs them as quickly as he can.
Bartender says, “What was that about?” Guy says,
“You’d do the same if you had what I have.”
Bartender: “What’s that?”

Guy: “a ringgit!”

 

What did the US rugby coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarterback!

 

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time….
“Class,” he said, “my name begins with the letter ‘M,’ and I pick up things….What am I?”

A little boy on the front row said, “You’re a mother!”

 

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!

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