Same old Umno but funnier

It looks like it’s going to be a long wait for those principled people supporting the development of a viable opposition.

The “new” Umno supreme council looks much like the old.

For all the talk of change and devolution of decision-making to more members, KL still calls the shots, and they have not been hitting the bulls-eye.

Like Mohamad Khaled Nordin pleading with his party president to “shed light on the matter immediately” because his appointment to head Perlis Umno “has elicited many questions from the Perlis Umno leadership.”

The natives were restive. A man, who led the party to defeat in the birthplace of the party, was being parachuted in to be their new lord.

They had no say in it, but obviously, they were saying a lot to prompt Khaled’s plaintive plea.

Like the appointment of former attorney-general Mohamed Apandi Ali as a Umno supreme council member, and the Ooops-didn’t-think-of-that retraction a few hours later.

Apandi’s poetic analogy of a fish returning to its spawning-ground was unfortunate. Doesn’t he watch the National Geographic or Animal Planet channels?

A salmon returns to its spawning ground to excrete the next generation of supermarket and restaurant offering, and then it dies, the biological clock just stops.

The spawning ground becomes a feast for raptors and predators.

Before it gets to the spawning-ground, it has to run a gauntlet of insatiable grizzlies storing fat and flesh for winter.

And there may be a few grizzlies upriver from Apandi. We are only at the prelude to the new rewritten 1MDB saga that will take protracted unfolding.

Ventriloquist’s dummy

The essential thing that hasn’t changed is that the party whose leader was resoundingly rejected by the electorate, the leader the sorry survivors held responsible for the electoral debacle, is still being led by the man.

In the first draft of this piece, I referred to the MP from Pekan as the eminence grise of Umno.

The term is not appropriate. There is nothing hidden about Najib Razak’s hold on the party.

Azmin Ali has joked that he should be the opposition leader since Najib was doing all the talking, challenging, defending, sniping at the government.

Lim Kit Siang pointed to Najib being seated next to the so-called leader of the opposition.

Dropped together with the French term in the first draft was my suggestion that Zahid was a ventriloquist’s dummy.

Not appropriate. A dummy will move its lips and speak for the ventriloquist, while the ventriloquist smiles through pursed lips.

Has Zahid said anything of note? Maybe I should read Utusan Malaysia.

Nah, I can’t ever be that curious.

Keystone Kops

Then there were the Keystone Kops on the first day of parliament.

Walk out. But not everybody walked out. Traitor. Disloyal. Don’t friend him. Unleash the whip on him.

O my ungovernable, chaotic mind. It distracted me with a literal fantasy of Azalina Othman Said in leather and boots flaying a bare-back Khairy Jamaluddin with a cat-o-nine-tails in a dank, dark dungeon, torches guttering on walls glistening with slime, while other Umno renegades waited in cells to be stretched on the rack till they recanted their heretical views.

Wee Ka Siong piously preached about the important principle of adhering strictly to rules.

Such a principled man!

Let’s just say they had a point and their motion was granted. What is the practical consequence?

The august house of the land, that was going to start deliberating on august issues, would have its first sitting postponed to near August.

Important principle = let’s not start work fixing the problems of the country for another two weeks.

I was hoping they would be strong in their principles, but the principle lost its importance fast because soon they returned to be sworn-in.

Must have realised how to swear at the government in parliament without being sworn-in.

The next day, the narrative changes to - it wasn’t a walk-out, we went to talk to the media, no whip, we welcome differing opinions, but don’t do it again, okay.

Thanks to them, the Agong’s quip had the nation laughing. I have seen a t-shirt sporting the line.

The Agong is capable of taking care of himself and his office and certainly doesn’t need defending by the stand-in, Lokman Noor Adam, who has taken over the staging of Umno street-theatre now that Jamal Md Yunos is out of circulation.

Machiavellian DAP

His gathering of a few dozen, and the ubiquitous actress, to march to parliament was to protest the inability of the Agong to defend Islam and protect the Malays, and the Machiavellian DAP manipulating malleable Dr Mahathir Mohamad, slowly turning the country into a Christian state.

I am a supporter of him. He will scare votes away from Umno.

But he was a disappointment this time because he promised to have his hands tied and mouth taped, and he didn’t do so.

If he had done so, instead of rude invective, a lot of Kini readers would have positive responses.

Take it from a media veteran, next time do it, and since your mouth is taped, go on a hunger strike. That will draw even international media.

And enlarge your cause. Say you will stay taped and tied till Umno money seized by the rapacious government is returned, Rosmah Mansor gets back her glittery gifts, and Najib is granted immunity from prosecution.

Do that, and the media vultures will be hovering over you in vigil, and I will change my opinion of you.

By the way, language evolves, words trend, some lose traction through time, meanings change.

“Awesome” is the word for the young today. In my misspent youth, it was “cool” because we were mellow. Stoners didn’t need more than “Wow” because they could see multi-universes in the sound.

You should stop using the word “persecution.” That word was correct and appropriate for the previous government.

The word today is “prosecution,” starts with “pro”, not “per.” Spelling different, meaning different.

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THOR KAH HOONG is a veteran journalist.  - Mkini