Let the Tun be PM for Life!

Malaysia has finally found the formula to stop all future politicking and instability. Since all Members of Parliament have pledged their undying support and love for the Tun, as of today, we, the Deep State, have declared him as the Prime Minister for Life.

This has been hailed as the perfect solution by PakaTUN, after they “discovered” that the Tun sort of, kind of, er... didn’t agree with what his own Parti Pro-Bumi was planning at the Sheraton Hotel. Also declaring their love for the PM for Life idea are the Holy Racial Alliance of klepto-theocrats and their friends who enjoy backdoor games, whether with or without pelicin (lubricant).

Is this not what #LangkahSheraton means? Share a Tun right? Even Gabungan Pelan Sesat, seeing which way the wind is blowing, have agreed.

Having a PM for Life will "improve" democracy, making pesky voters and their tiresome demands irrelevant once and for all. Elections will become a mere pesta, a carnival of ceramah sessions to comfort the rakyat with the illusion that they still choose their leaders. From now on, everything will be decided by the single-minded and efficient rule of One Man, who, henceforth, shall be called The Great Leader.

The inspiration for this is North Korea, after all, didn’t the Tun push for the Look East policy? All problems will be solved by kissing the hand of The Great Leader, a being of such Amazing Foresight that only he can issue prophetic oracles for the progress of the nation, starting with the next National Car to enrich cronies who supply faulty power windows.

Yes, we shall deal with the coronavirus threat with our home-made vaccine made from the crony virus! After all, this is what the vice-president of Parti Pro-Bumi openly demanded at their own AGM.

Under His Enlightened Leadership, we, the Deep State, expect that “progressive” policies will continue. Firstly, racial demonising shall continue unchecked. 

Secondly, threats that don’t exist, such as from tigers, will be invented. Thirdly, and most importantly, we will ignore political funding reform so that rich tycoons can keep on influencing all politicians through “donations”.

Various manifesto promises will also be shredded and recycled into brown paper bags because we want to appear more eco-friendly after we chop down the Kuala Langat forest and allow ever-safe Lynas to be set up in Pekan, Pahang.

Since all MPs are devoted to The Great Leader, we might as well merge all politicians into a unity government. Everybody will gather around the campfire to sing kumbaya, they will all leave their old political parties and join the brand new Barisan Nasional Baru.

Therefore, there is no need for hashtags like #BubarParlimen. Parliament has already been dissolved into a big bowl of bubur, a porridge where all the ingredients are mixed up into a unity government where there are no more checks and balances but pure naked self-interest. This is the true meaning of 1Malaysia.

But, but, but... cry the rakyat, isn't The Great Leader a very old man who may soon, oh no, one can't even bear to say the word… what will happen then?

Oh ye Malaysians of little faith, have no fear, for we have already figured that out. After the Tun ascends to the heavenly heights, verily, verily we say unto you, his Spirit shalt continue to guide us here on earth.

We will communicate with him in the afterlife through the artificial intelligence of bomohs with bamboo binoculars. But only we, the Deep State, will be authorised to interpret his Thoughts.

This is what we have learnt from the Mercedes Mullah Party. When you are the sole authorised distributor and franchise holder of heavenly teachings, a RM90 million bribe will become a “donation”; and the Toyota Vellfire, Audi Q7, Mini Cooper, BMW, Range Rover and Porsche Cayman bought with that money will become halal.

So, to celebrate the spirit of his Wonderful Wisdom and Magnificent Manipulations, let us go one step further to elevate The Great Leader into the stratosphere. We, the Deep State, hereby upgrade the Tun from PM for Life to become the Eternal and Everlasting Prime Minister. May his Rule bless Malaysia forever and ever!

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of pure fiction by Andrew Sia. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

UPDATE: The Holy Racial Alliance has announced that it has withdrawn its support for the Tun. This was after they discovered that they were being selected for the unity government only on an a la carte basis, rather than the set menu that included the hard-to-digest kitchen sink.

So, due to the lack of incentives and laxatives, their undying love and devotion for The Great Leader have suddenly dried up.

After finding that the undemocratic back door didn’t have enough lubrication to allow them in, the holy racists are now demanding that bowl of Parliament porridge and fresh elections.

In the meantime, they will keep on fanning the flames of their goreng perkauman tambah cili api, a delicious racial stir fry that you must try in Malaysia. This is the ideal recipe to cover the stink lingering on them after reversing out from that pungent back door.

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ANDREW SIA is a veteran journalist and editor who prefers teh tarik kau over tepid English tea. You can add milk, sugar and halia to his drink at tehtarik@gmail.com. - Mkini